Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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