my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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