apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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