if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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