i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
