Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
