We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
