I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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