i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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