Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
