Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize