I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
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