Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize