Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
