Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
