I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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