she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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