i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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