I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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