we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm eating all of the evidence.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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