I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
