Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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