it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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