You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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