He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
