They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize