I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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