I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
