Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
