ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
