my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize