Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
FUCK WHALES
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
