I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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