I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Randomize
