your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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