I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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