wakey wakey hands off snakey
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
