i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
