I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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