i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
