God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
