Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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