i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
