You smell like stripper and shame
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Randomize
