I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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