I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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