I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
