Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
