Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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