oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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