Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
And then he peed in my hair
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