very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
