The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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