Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
