I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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