When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
