i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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