i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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