I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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